PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
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ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
He a real one for that
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops