[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
You Might Also Like
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.