20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
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It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Hilarious if literal: arms race
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Well, that didn’t work.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Free him
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them