Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
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Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Banking tips
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”