Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
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Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts