Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
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I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
who did the taste test?
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Worth a try
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit