Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
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I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”