Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
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Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring