Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
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Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that