“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
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gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”