We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
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My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?