*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
You Might Also Like
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)