My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
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That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
where’s Godzilla when we need him
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0