okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
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chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
accurate
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it