were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
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For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Pot warmers of the day.
Quadruple digit IQ
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I cannot call her anything else now
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.