I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
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[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Me trying to look natural in photos
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six