Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
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Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
hmmm
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.