My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
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I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor