Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
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I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”