Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
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My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Netflix and you sit over there.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”