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Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages