Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
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Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks