Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
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dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.