I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
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Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros