I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
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I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown