there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
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*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball