Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
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All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Customer is always right
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality