My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
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Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.