I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
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You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Meme Monday.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.