It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
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Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
But wait…
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming