my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
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I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
THIS HEADLINE
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.