Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
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Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.