[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
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My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.