To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
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WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
ugh not again
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
synchronized noseblowing
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”