Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
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I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
lol
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion