Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
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Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
you stereotypes are all alike
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.