me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
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Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy