Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
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Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange