Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
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If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.