My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
You Might Also Like
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
guys I’m going home
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN