I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
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mom had nothing to worry about
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.