Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
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It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Meme Monday.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower