Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
You Might Also Like
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”