If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
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*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
They did not miss in the small print
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!