asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
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*frowns in Scottish*
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.