Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
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How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
monday
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
#oldknees
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.