If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
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• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Inside you there are two wolves
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.