haha same
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Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
checking out some reviews of my local library
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
bought wrong eggs
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.