Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
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Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Schrödinger’s cookie
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”