Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
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I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.